dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
