She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And then my night got REAL pukey
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You are the jesus of drinking
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
