I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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