Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
