Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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