god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
