her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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