he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
