Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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