how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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