Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
