im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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