I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
