There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
