Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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