can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
