Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
