Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
