Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
