Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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