You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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