So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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