I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
