I wanna bring you to show and tell
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
