she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
