Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Randomize
