chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
