so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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