4 words: hood of his car
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
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