That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I need to calm my uterus...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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