matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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