but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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