I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
