I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
