I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
