I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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