i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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