nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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