Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She needs sedatives and a leash
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
