I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
