You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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