I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
