I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Randomize
