I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
