Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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