apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
