I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
zippers are such a cool invention
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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