Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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