Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
