Joe is yelling at the trees again.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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