If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
