Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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