the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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