Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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